While we’d
all love to be the kind of woman who is perfectly groomed every minute
of every day, the reality for most of us is rather more prosaic.
Who,
after all, has the time to sustain the polished perfection of Victoria
Beckham et al, who have teams of people devoted to keeping them looking
good, not to mention pots of money?
For
the rest of us mere mortals, standards can, and do, sometimes slip.
That’s why — however super-groomed and fragrant we may appear on the
outside — we all resort to several shaming shortcuts when we’re short of
time or cash.
After
grilling my friends on their secret grooming dodges, I decided to give
their ideas a go. While not for the faint-hearted, some of them are pure
genius — although they might turn the stomachs of the men in our lives .
. . if only they knew.
WASH HALF YOUR HAIR
No time to wash your hair? Just do the front!
No time to wash your hair? Just do the front!
Lank and greasy locks make me feel grubby all over, so I wash my hair every day, no matter how tired I feel.
The
fringe wash is suggested by a girlfriend I’d always assumed to be a
paragon of good grooming. However, I don’t have a fringe. So I segment
off the front section of my hair and tie the rest back. Then I wash the
front bit under the taps in my bathroom sink, spray on some volumising
lotion and blast it dry. It takes just minutes.
Initially,
I think it’s great: I can smell the fresh scent of the shampoo as I
hurtle the children through their breakfast and into the car.
But by the time I reach Sainsbury’s after the school run, the rest of my hair looks and feels so flat that I tie it all up.
Half-clean hair leaves me half-impressed — but all-over dirt is worse.
FOOL YOUR FRIENDS RATING: 5/10
LEAVE HIDDEN LEGS HAIRY
Can’t get a last-minute waxing appointment? Shave your legs halfway to the knee.
I
regularly slip into something slinky for a party then look cheerfully in
the mirror — only to realise that hundreds of black spiders’ legs seem
to be stuck to my lower limbs under my tights. Great for Halloween, not
so great for drinks and canapes.
I
recently went out for a supper with some girlfriends. As is usual for
this time of year (British Grooming Time ends on October 15), my legs
were as stubbly as the newly harvested fields.
Can’t get a last-minute waxing appointment? Shave your legs halfway to the knee
So I shaved them halfway to the knee, pulled on a pair of cropped trousers and headed out.
It
worked a treat — but I had to quickly pull on some winceyette pyjamas
before climbing into bed, so as to not scare my husband.
This beauty cheat isn’t good for marriage, but it’s great if you’re in a hurry to get to a night out. 7/10
FAKE YOUR FAKE TAN
An all-over spray tan too expensive? Just ‘fake tan’ the bits that will be on view.
I
take my fake tanning very seriously, and often spend £40 on a salon
spray-on. But this time I simply buy a bottle of Rimmel Sun Shimmer for
£6.99. I’m about to wear flats with jeans, so I need brown ankles and
upper feet. I squeeze out a small blob of Sun Shimmer and rub it around
my lower legs and upper feet.
Naked,
I look like I’ve stepped in treacle. With my jeans on, I look like the
kind of wealthy lady who is super-groomed all year round.
No
one would know that beneath my clothes I am half-woman, half-zebra. But
my poor, dear husband is confused by my new-found love of jim-jams.
9/10
Just ‘fake tan’ the bits that will be on view if an all-over spray tan is too expensive
SPRAY SMELLS AWAY
Too lazy or broke to go to the dry cleaner’s? Freshen up your clothes with Febreze fabric spray.
Although
I like the adverts, I’ve never tried Febreze: isn’t freshening up any
fabric with just a few spritzes one step too far when it comes to
laziness?
But
after being persuaded by a friend, I buy a lavender-scented bottle that
claims to ‘eliminate tough odours for good’ for £3 from Waitrose.
The next day, I dig out a fusty-smelling dress from the back of the wardrobe and spray it with the odour-eliminator.
That night, I’m having dinner with my hubby when he comments that I smell peculiar, like slightly chemical lavender fields.
I
suspect Febreze is fine for students wanting to freshen up their
clothes before going to a sweaty gig, but for grown women it just won’t
do. Who, after all, doesn’t have at least one clean item of clothing in
their wardrobe?
3/10
No time to pluck? Disguise stray eyebrow hairs with foundation
BEAT BEASTLY BROWS
No time to pluck? Disguise stray eyebrow hairs with foundation.
Usually
I have my eyebrows threaded every three weeks for £10, but I’ve been so
overworked and poor recently that I’ve been plucking them myself in the
early- morning half-light.
One
friend tells me she swears by make-up instead, so I layer on plenty of
extra foundation over the stray hairs before an important work meeting.
When
I check my face at lunchtime, the make-up has sunk into my skin and the
dark hairs are clearly visible. I look unkempt and odd. Would anyone do
business with such a woman? Who knows. I’m still waiting to hear.
3/10
PEEP-TOE PEDICURE
Wearing peep-toes? Then only paint the nails that show.
In
the autumn, I rarely reveal my toes, and wouldn’t dream of doing so
without a full pedicure — which sets me back around £45 at my local
salon.
My
friend Eleanor, who lives in sunny Spain and has to have sandal-ready
feet year-round, recommends a ‘peep-toe pedicure’ instead.
I
don’t know why I turn my nose up — underneath my winter court shoes, my
pedicure has nearly grown out: all my toes are half-scarlet polish,
half-bare nails.
Only paint the nails that show if you are wearing peep toe shoes
So
while I’m getting ready for an awards ceremony at a posh hotel, I hide
my grooming shame by quickly painting over just my two big toenails with
Essie’s Russian Roulette (£7.99 a bottle).
It looks great from a distance. Close up it’s a bit messy — but who will put their face just a few inches from my feet anyway?
8/10
FIX FLAKY NAILS
Manicure starting to fade or flake? Pop stick-on nails over the worst offenders.
Eight
weeks ago, I invested £30 in a set of gel nails. These were
salon-applied, with the gel varnish being set under UV lights, and were
meant to last for up to three weeks.
But
I’ve not been able to get back to the salon to have them ‘soaked off’
with a special solution, and my attempts to remove them myself using
acetone haven’t worked — there are red smears all over my thumbnails.
I
know I should go and get them removed by a qualified beauty therapist
but if I had the time and the money to do that, I’d have smooth knees
and eyebrows, too, wouldn’t I?
So
I nip to Boots instead and buy a packet of Elegant Touch nails for
£6.59. These are glue-on nails, and they are a little bit fiddly — I
manage to briefly stick my thumb to my finger.
But
the nails look fantastic once they’re in place — although I can’t help
wondering what state my own nails will be in once I remove the fake
ones.
5/10
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